It suddenly occurs to me that I'm not very happy.

I'm missing something huge and important that I really need.

And I don't know where it is or how to get it.

It's amazing.  Yet again, I was feeling incredible on the way home today, but now I'm sitting here feeling depressed and aching and wanting more than I could ever have.

Maybe I need to stop using the computer.  Maybe I need to stop talking to people too.  Heck, I don't even know who I am talking to right now.  Just I've got a hole that needs to be dealt with, and I can't take care of it myself, because I don't even know what could plug the hole up.

I'm not really getting anything done anymore.  I'm failing.  I'm inefficient.  I'm not making myself look any better.  And there's nobody that can help me.

*chuckles* I love how I'm making myself feel worse just by sitting here typing.
If I was able to play games during the weekdays, at least I wouldn't have this on my mind.

SOMETHING NEEDS TO HAPPEN.
Why am I not good enough?

Relationships become very important, as the cosmos surrounds you with a number of positive influences to brighten your life. Mars continues to move through Aries, which is stirring up issues associated with your partnerships, and encouraging you to clear the air. But early on, Mars makes a powerful trine to Pluto, and this means passion in no uncertain terms. There is a sense of release and of freedom, which may translate into a deepening of the bond between you.

In addition to the comments, I'd just like to take a minute to clear up any confusion or hostility about the post on the 20th.

The post was designed as a possible argument to certain points of view and as a way of getting several of my opinions into text.

I hope nobody was offended.  I am in no way saying that what I wrote is correct, appopriate, or even entirely believed by me.

I am extremely introverted, and would never seek to insult those who are, including myself.

My writing takes a bit of a prissy tone when I'm working with things like this, and I'll make sure I curb that level down a bit next time I write.

But, just to keep in mind - Just because I'm Andy doesn't mean I'm stupid.  But honestly I don't think that that was the issue here, I was to a certain extent out of line.

I do intend to use the phrase "Mediavert" and another, "Ambivert," more frequently.  Although I won't post more now to avoid a few flames.  *winks*

So, everything okay?

A box lies in my path.

 

What is in it?  It’s taped shut.

Closed, sealed, shut.

 

I can’t release the hinges.

I can’t undo the taping.

I can’t open the box.

 

So all I can do is drag it along with me.

 

Keep it with me while I whisper.

Hope it will hear.

 

Keep it with me while I speak.

Hope it will listen.

 

Keep it with me while I scream.

Hope it will answer.

 

But the box is closed, and it will stay so

Maybe it fears the touch of fresh air

Maybe it fears change

Maybe it doesn’t want the world to know what’s inside.

 

Maybe it doesn’t want me to know what’s inside.

 

So I will not open it.

I will not become a godforsaken Pandora.

Light will never touch its jewels and mysteries and spices.

 

So I’ll put the box back down.

On the ground.

Weep and then leave.

 

And watch as the whole world passes it by.

The average Tuesday.  Spanish was a bear with all the Libro Rojo-like problems, and there's more due Thursday.  Hooboy.  Math - what a KILLAH LOG QUIZ - but otherwise decent.  Mr. Berry's great for helping me out so much.  Physics - labs out the wazoo.  The Colonel is a Taskmaster!  But it's okay, we got a lot done and my grades need all the boosters they can get.  History was one of the roughest lecture periods of my whole life (save for the last President one).  All the English stuff is all coming together and everything is due...and...and... it's almost time for impeturbable (unpeturbable? that's right) me to start going nuts.

The 4-day weekend is going to be GLORIOUS.

GLORIOUS.

GLORIOUS.

Just another aside.  This one's a bit lengthy and is on extroverts/introverts.

Everyone thinks they can categorize introverts and extroverts by watching them in a situation and seeing how they behave.  They're at a party and see someone smiling and having fun.  "Hey, that guy's an extrovert!  He's having fun!"  Mistake #1.  In regards to the Myers-Briggs Type Interface, E/I is determined by one simple rule of thumb.  It's all about decision making.

Extroverts act before thinking.
Introverts think before acting.

But what most people don't understand is...

Both types act.
And both types think.

This means that they're much more similar than people can lead themselves to believe.  In fact, in their differences lies their similarities.  Think of the last time you saw two extreme extroverted people together.  I'm sure you could hear them from miles away.  And think about the last time you saw two introverts in a room alone together.  I bet you could have heard a pin drop.  In China.  Although these are gross exaggerations, they serve my point.  No extrovert is complete without an introvert.  No introvert is complete without an extrovert.  (Or an opposite side, at least.)  In order to become fully developed, rounded human beings, people must understand and embrace both of their halves, the engaging, outward-directed E and the reflective, inward-directed I.

This is getting confusing, so I'll switch mediums.

There's a reason why God made people people and not cats.  Human beings are, without doubt, deep, complex, multi-faceted, talented, and always better at something than you are.  And to look at the gift of the fellow human being with occasional doubt or dislike is a terrible mistake.

Some people believe that the first and foremost person in their lives should be themselves.
Extroverts think this.
Introverts think this.

The wiser people who have embraced both their sides know that, no matter who you are, other people are key.  In my humble opinion,
Extroverts should use their other-oriented skills to help people understand themselves.
Introverts should use their own understanding to orient themselves towards others.

I am hereby instituting a new term.  This term represents the conjunction of E and I into the perfect and wholly desirable mean of the two.

The MEDIAVERT (M) is who I try to be, and sometimes who I am without even trying.  The Mediavert is extroverted when he or she needs to be, and introverted when is appropriate, and both as the case may be.  And the Mediavert is entirely people-centered.

Because people matter.  And if people were cats, life would suck.
And some people, like me, are allergic to cats anyways.
And to people who can't stand people.

Thursday is my official hardest day of the week.  This one wasn't too rough... but considering, it was a lot more than we should have had.

Drove in with my mom this morning.  We stopped for coffee/hot chocolate, and while I was waiting in the car, two different cars (on each side of the Suburban) hit our car - hard - with their doors.  So twice in a row.  Bent both of the side view mirrors in.  We won't be parking there anymore.

Spanish was interesting.  Dra. Konz kindly understood that we needed aliviar ourselves and let us sing for 60 minutes straight.  Hot songs included "Torero," "Estoy Aquì," "El Tiburòn," and more.  It was a partay, although Dra.'s dancing made me a bit uncomfortable.  I got some interesting videos/pictures, expect them soon.

Precalc was lonely, Liz being the only other pardner at the table.  It was rather sad with only one female to harass.  But at least I got more of my log worksheet done than I would have under usual circumstances.

Physics was a DOUBLE LAB TANGO DAY.  Or at least that's what I call it.  As in, we had to do two labs in the time it'd take to do one.  Ack ack ack.

Strucky's lecture was LOOONG.  He beat around the bush with just about every president known to man, even this "Rutherford B. Hayes" character.  Creepy.

Got home.  Slept.  Felt grumpy.  I sure wish I was able to do other things on this machine besides type up stupid articles and blog entries.  I have psych to do, though, so I guess it's not too bad.

I wish it could have snowed today
"la nieve" is quite cool
There's nothing better one can hear
than "this county's canceled school!"
I planned for it to snow today
but none of my dreams come true...
If only I had gotten done
the homework that was due.

Sans the title, I think this is a much better choice than "Mirror."  It's got some truly powerful wording.  Ka-POW!! It's impressive.  If only it wasn't about Lucifer.

Sonnet to Satan - Sylvia Plath


In darkroom of your eye the moonly mind
somersaults to counterfeit eclipse;
bright angels black out over logic's land
under shutter of their handicaps.

Commanding that corkscrew comet jet forth ink
to pitch the white world down in swiveling flood,
you overcast all order's noonday rank
and turn god's radiant photograph to shade.

Steepling snake in that contrary light
invades the dilate lens of genesis
to print your flaming image in birthspot
with characters no cockcrow can deface.

O maker of proud planet's negative,
obscure the scalding sun till no clocks move.

Great day at school today.  All the possible problems that could have occured didn't; they were replaced by blessings, all of which I most desperately desired.  I won't get into details.



Got this weird depressive feeling since school ended that I just haven't quite shook yet.  Music and wasting time on the machine should help a bit.  If not, it's okay, I'll enjoy it while I have it.  Even mom asked why I was acting weirdly.  Hmm.  Well, it's okay.



So far, for the FFO Soundtrack, I'm thinking of using Wingless' "One Girl In All The World" plus "All The World In One Girl" for the Windurst/Sarutabaruta themes.  It might work, it's nice how the two pieces are complements.



the one percent of you you're not giving

is the one percent that I need to see

the one percent of me I'm not giving

is the strength to let ninety-nine be

I love that theme! *dances*

I'll post a link later.

Been an interesting - and long - day.  I call this week the "Week of Impending Doom" mainly because there are all sorts of things that we're hearing about that'll be coming up soon.  And that'll be a real pain.

Let's see...

SPANISH: news article things that are about 30x longer than they were supposed to be
MATH: collaborative? since when?
HISTORY:  DBQs?  Something I don't know about? It's that bad.
ENGLISH: Poetry explication, due tomorrow.
CS: Lots of stuff I just don't get.